A Vile Vile Dirty Girl

I understand none of us are perfect. As humans we are all flawed but that does not give us some sort of inherent excuse to be foul. Foulness is the condition or state of being dirty. That is not okay; rather it is often puke-in-my-mouth-inducing nastiness!

Today, like many days during the past few months, I walked into the restroom on my floor at work and one of the new girls from Suite 900 was exiting the middle stall. My coworkers frequently complain about how unfriendly she is, but I always make an effort to say "hello" and she requites. Since I do not know her name we will just refer to her as Vile Vile Dirty Girl. As she exited her stall this afternoon we exchanged “hellos” and I continued on to the stall just past her. I assumed she was walking to the sink to wash her hands. But wait, what was I thinking? Vile Vile Dirty Girl NEVER washes her hands. Being the small battered girl I am, I routinely run into VVDG in the restroom and have yet to see her wash her hands. She pranced right out the door, dirty hands and all.

It just makes you wonder how many people are really washing their hands out there! Are you a vile vile dirty boy or girl?

The Girl Who Does Handstands in The Bathroom

Why you ask? Why in God's name would anyone do a handstand in a bathroom? Allow me to explain...

On this particular evening I hosted a small get-together at my house in honor of one of my closest friends who was in town for Thanksgiving weekend. Admitingly there was alcohol involved... but c'mon, handstands in the very small bathroom?!

You see, typically when guests venture into the world of Lauren's Guest Bathroom they are puzzled by oddities such as the cobra hidden behind the toilet who bites when his sensor goes off or Ping the big wooden budha head. In fact, one time a human size chicken went into the guest bathroom and was so puzzled by Ping he brought her out of the restroom, placed her on the table, and struck up a conversation. You see, sheer puzzlement.

Yet on this evening Friend was completely unphased by the oddities who make a home in Lauren's Guest Bathroom. This is because Friend is far more strange than either Cobra or Ping. Friend had a very bad case of the hicups and though a handstand might rid of them. I agreed. Why, she could have gone upstairs and had a handstand extravaganza all to herself. She could have freely handstood in the open living room space and asked the boys present to turn around so that she did not flash the world. Nope, on this night night, my stranger than ping or cobra Friend handstood in a bathroom half her tiny size creating a hole in the dry wall.

Friend shall remain anonomous.

ABR: America's Best Restroom Hall of Fame 2008

2008 ABR Hall of Fame““From the architecture and room furnishings to exceptional customer service, The Hermitage Hotel has an uncompromising commitment to excellence,” said Greg Sligh, Hermitage Hotel President and Managing Director. “This philosophy defines everything in the hotel – including our distinctive Art Deco men’s room, which has long been known as Nashville’s most unique and elegant restroom. It is an honor for this whimsically distinctive facility to be recognized nationally as well.”ABR VII -

Top Five Restrooms
1. Hermitage Hotel, Nashville, TN
http://www.bestrestroom.com/fame_hermitage.html

2. 21C Museum, Louisville, KY
http://www.bestrestroom.com/fame_21cmuseum.html

3. Brio, Rockville, IL
http://www.bestrestroom.com/fame_brio.html

4. The Signature Room at the 95th, Chicago IL
http://www.bestrestroom.com/fame_signatureroom.html

5. Smith College Museum of Art, Northampton, MA
http://www.bestrestroom.com/fame_smithcollege.html

Getting the Facts Straight

This evening I found myself on the "google machine" just conducting some good ole' research. I came across a site with an article titled, Interesting Toilet Facts. As I read through this most compelling article I learned that an average person visits the toilet 2,500 times a year, about 6-8 times a day, equating to 3 years of life in the toilet. "Very interesting" I thought.

I read on, "Poor toilet condition is a worldwide problem. More than half of the world population has no proper sanitation". I said to myself, "How unfortunate. I wish I could help facilitate running water systems in third world countries. How rewarding would that be?!"

I moved on to this next fact, "The inventor of the flushing toilet was Thomas Crapper". Immediately shouted internally, "NO WAY! THIS IS GARBAGE. Perfect example of free reign on the Internet. Damn you google machine!" As I questioned the validity of this factoid as well as the overall validity of the article I hopped onto Wikipedia and searched for “Thomas Crapper”. This should clarify any concerns I know you all have:

Thomas P. Crapper (baptized 28 September 1836 - 27 January 1910) was a plumber who founded Thomas Crapper & Co. Ltd. in London. Despite the urban legend, Crapper did not invent the flush toilet (the myth assisted by his surname). However, Crapper did much to increase its popularity and came up with some related inventions. He was noted for the quality of his products and received several Royal Warrants. The manhole covers with Crapper's company's name on them in Westminster Abbey are now a minor tourist attraction.

Crapper's name is sometimes associated with the words crap and crapper although the first recorded use of word crap dates to before Crapper's career and the first use of the word crapper was long after the end of his career and its derivation could be from the word crap, or from Crapper or both.

A pic of Crapper himself:

The Sordid Airplane Lavatory

I am pretty certain it was Benjamin Franklin who once said, “In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes”. This may have held true for a man who lived a simple life during 18th century America. But Benjamin Franklin did not live in this post modern world with planes, trains, automobiles, running water and public restrooms. I have always said, “In this world nothing is certain but death, taxes and the consensus amongst all human-kind that airplane bathrooms are foul breeding zones for infectious disease and lingering smells enough to make one heave”.

I was recently on a mid-day flight to the armpit of America (better known as central New Jersey), minding my business in the aisle seat, row 25. Naturally, being the small-bladdered gal I am, while everyone else was noting the emergency exit locations on the aircraft, I was noting lavatory locations. “Perfect!” I thought, “I love when there are bathrooms at both the back and front of the plane.”

Once settled in, I noticed a tall disheveled British woman sitting in the aisle seat diagonally in front of me. She was wearing what seemed to be her husband’s rather large polo shirt over her brown halter sundress, a banana clip from 1980, lee-press-on nails, smeared mascara running down her face and cheetah patterned platforms with at least a four inch heel. Only her shoes were not on her feet. She had kicked them off; assumed they were as uncomfortable as they looked.

After an hour in the air I made my way towards the front of the plane to use the bathroom. I noted the hideously strong airplane bathroom/urine smell reflective of the 12 ounces of urine resting on the floor. Why do so many people miss? (Must save speculation for another blog entry). Either way, I thought, “These jean must not be worn a second go around, bottoms have touched this floor”. I worked my way back to my seat.

Tall Disheveled British Woman stood up most abruptly; barefoot she worked her way up to the restroom. Yes, BAREFOOT! My jaw dropped in astonishment and I found myself empathetic to her clueless situation. She came back to her seat, sat down, only to go back into the bathroom BAREFOOT once again half an hour later. Did she not realize her feet were wet the first time?

For the remainder of the flight, I starred at her feet, waiting for them to turn an olive shade of green but could not help but question the validity of my longstanding theory on life...you know, only certain things...death...taxes... consensus amongst all human-kind that airplane bathrooms are foul breeding zones for infectious disease and lingering smells enough to make one heave. Bewildered.

Moral of the story: We all step in urine from time to time but how we do it (shoes vs barefoot) is what matters most.

Office Bathroom Etiquette

Dedicated to Ginsberg

A recent discussion over some non-penny beers ignited my curiosity surrounding proper bathroom etiquette in the workplace. Specifically, am I classified as "bathroom-polite" and are others whom I bathroom with? In a busy work day, it is all too easy to become complacent with bathroom manners when all you want to do is run in and run out. Are we rude if we do not chat it up while in-stall?

Through thorough research on beloved Google I found an article on the Do's and Dont's in the Workplace Bathroom-- take a look:

Do’s and Dont's in the Workplace Bathroom

Melissa Dylan

Don’t…

Conduct business. Let your coworkers do their thing in peace. In fact, don’t chit-chat, period, while in the restroom. Some people (and by that I mean me) get weirded out about talking to people while going. It can’t wait ten seconds? (Exception: if you’re both at the sink, a “weather’s been nice, huh?” conversation is fine. If someone is behind a stall door, consider them out-of-bounds.)

Do…

Tidy up. No one wants to navigate around your mess. Yes, there are usually janitors, but a.) it’s rude to make them pick up your stinky tp, and b.) until they come in, your office mates are forced to use a bathroom that is filthy. Throw away your trash, wipe up excess water on the countertops, and for God’s sake—no sprinkles on the seats.

Do…

Flush. And check to make sure everything went down. This should go without saying. Operative word: should.

Don’t…

Take your time. If people are waiting, please hurry, particularly in situations where the toilet and sink are in one room. I’m not sure why, but women disappear into single bathrooms and it’s like they step into a time warp. What are they doing in there? As a fellow woman, I don’t see any reason why it should take more than a minute or so, tops. If you have to freshen up your lipstick, do so discreetly in the hallway if women are doing the pee-pee dance outside. This is not the time to change your hairstyle, examine your pores for pimples, reassess your outfit choice for the day, etc. P.S. Even if no one is waiting when you go in there? Chances are a line is forming outside. So step on it.

Do…

Cover up your stink. Bring in an air deodorizer to keep in the bathroom, and spray liberally.

Do…

Treat it better than your bathroom at home. Perhaps you don’t mind your own mess, have no issues with going unflushed, fling water around the room like you’re having a personal water fight, but in an office environment, be respectful. Keep the place nice for others, if not yourself.

Calgon Body Spray

I remember back in 1999 I went to visit my older sister in Arizona. She was really into Calgon's morning glory body splash at the time. For those of you who are unaware, Calgon is that cheesy drug store body spray pictured to the left, with several different scents, each reminiscent of a horrid bouquet of flowers. The morning glory scent, in particular, seems to be a favorite amongst Calgon fans near and far, yet it stirs up images of Grandma trying to cover up the obvious fact she has not showered in 10 days.

In college, one of my closest friends was a fan of Calgon's morning glory. She rarely left the house without 5 or 6 squirts. Overkill to say the least. Then, to my dismay, my younger sister had been swooned by the Morning Glory-- she too had became a fan of the blue calgon spray. I chalked this up as a "college phase"; told myself, "she will overcome this travesty... i just know she will... she has to". Thankfully I had not found reason to conjure up these thoughts in quite some time.

For the past couple of months, on several occasions, I have entered the women's bathroom at work and been blown away by the revolting morning glory smell. At first I thought to myself, "Am I really smelling this malodorous disaster again? In the case it is not just Lauren delirium, WHO is be to blame for such a foul sense of right from oh-so-wrong?"

Now some months later, I have FINALLY solved the Calgon Morning Glory Mystery. And the responsible party happens to be a coworker from my very office.

Confused? Yes!

Ashamed? Heck yea!

Appalled? Of course!!

She shall remain nameless-- but this seemingly innocent coworker of mine claims to spray her Calgon in an attempt to "cover up" a worse smell. I say ENOUGH!! Calgon lingers. It stays in the bathroom all day. Its like that putrid sunflower that sits in a water filled vase and rots 10 days after it has blossomed. If you have that much to cover up then do your business at home. Let us bathroom in a peaceful unscented environment.

For the sake of small bladders that have no choice but to frequent the vicinities, for the sake of humanity, for the sake of human compassion, keep Calgon away from the work place.

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An Analogy for My Readers...

Reflective of my mood...

Men are like plungers; they spend most of their time in the bathroom!
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In honor of St. Patricks Day

I was pondering the approach a leprechaun must take to use the toilet since he likely would not have the ability to reach the urinal or the toilet (if standing) without a step stool.

O'Leprechaun, Leprechaun;

How do you pee?

To you it is au natural;

To me it remains a mystery.

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Phobia Caused Woman's Two Year Bathroom Stay

WICHITA, Kansas (AP) -- A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat had a phobia about leaving the bathroom, the boyfriend said.

Police say Pam Babcock apparently spent two years living in the bathroom of her boyfriend's mobile home.

"She is an adult; she made her own decision," said her boyfriend, Kory McFarren. "I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it." The case drew nationwide attention after Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat in the two years she apparently was in the bathroom. "We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it." McFarren, 36, said he can't be certain how long Pam Babcock stayed in the bathroom because "time just went by so quick I can't pinpoint how long." He said beatings she received in her childhood caused her phobia. "It just kind of happened one day; she went in and had been in there a little while, the next time it was a little longer. Then she got it in her head she was going to stay -- like it was a safe place for her," McFarren said. But McFarren said she moved around in the bathroom during that time, bathed and changed into the clothes he brought her. He brought food and water to her. They had conversations and had an otherwise normal relationship -- except it all happened in the bathroom.

McFarren said he finally called police February 27 after he became worried because Babcock was acting groggy -- like she didn't know what was going on, except she was awake. What emergency responders found when they went into bathroom has left residents of this small western Kansas town buzzing, and law enforcement officials incredulous. Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said. "She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself." She initially refused emergency medical services, but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital. "She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said. Whipple said the county attorney will determine whether any charges should be filed against McFarren. McFarren, who works at an antique store, said he has been taking care of Babcock for the 16 years they have lived together. He insisted that he tried to coax her out of the bathroom every day. "And her reply would be, `Maybe tomorrow,"' Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."

She was reported in fair condition Wednesday at a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators. Babcock has an infection in her legs that has damaged her nerves, and there is a possibility she may wind up in a wheelchair, McFarren said. James Ellis, a neighbor, said he had known the woman since she was a child, but that he had not seen her for at least six years. "I don't think anybody can make any sense out of it," Ellis said. Babcock had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up, he said. "It really doesn't surprise me," Ellis said. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."

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MY THOUGHTS AFTER READING THAT:

1. WOW

2. Sad for nuerotic and damaged woman;

3. A 2 year bathroom confinement would surely cause self-induced psychosis;

4. How disgusting!

5. But sad.

6. I think I'm going to eat dinner in the bathroom tonight.

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